I've been feeling like I need to convey a little bit how I feel about what has gone on in my life these past few weeks. Here we go:
Well, I'm not a full-time missionary at the moment. I will be again soon. I'm trying to be honest about this situation in the hopes of helping someone.
My heart has never been more conflicted and heavy in my life. It was heart breaking to leave my mission, more so than many of you will ever know. My heart is in Arizona. But I know in whom I have trusted.
The events that led me to this were really just a combination of a broken heart and mind at a young age, family, sickness, and Heavenly Father's plan.
My Heavenly Father knows me so well. He is aware of me and though I have physically, emotionally, and spiritually felt like I've been in a refiners fire for a year or so now I see his eternal perspective. I have hope, I believe in hope. I know, I know that hope only comes through Jesus Christ.
This hymn, "Savior, Redeemer of my soul", has really helped me these past few months. I have it written in my scriptures as a constant reminder of who I have placed my trust in.
Savior, Redeemer of my soul, Whose mighty hand hath made me whole, Whose wondrous pow'r hath raised me up And filled with sweet my bitter cup!What tongue my gratitude can tell, O gracious God of Israel. Never can I repay thee, Lord, but I can love thee. Thy pure word, hath it not been my one delight, my joy by day, my dream by night? Then let my lips proclaim it still, and all my life reflect thy will. O'errule mine acts to serve thine ends.Change frowning foes to smiling friends.Chasten my soul till I shall be in perfect harmony with thee.Make me more worthy of thy love, and fit me for the life above.
I feel these words speak to my soul. How grateful I am for my Savior! I never feel like I have given Him enough. But in my greatest moments of despair I have never felt such profound love for Christ. This is why I rejoice in trials- because through them my understanding and appreciation of Christ increases. It's the love I develop for Him through trials that gives me reason to change, reason to believe in a future full of His peace.
I know my Savior lives....and loves me too. I know my heart has been changed as I have knelt in prayer to apply His infinite atonement in my life. I don't know where I would be without the gospel. I can't imagine a life not knowing and feeling the serenity and peace that comes from the knowledge that I am a child of God.
I want my life to reflect the Lords will. That is why I am here, that is why I am off my mission- absent from the most sacred and beautiful experience of my life. I have faith in Heavenly Fathers plan, I have faith in who he needs me to become.
I want and pray that my imperfect soul will be chastened until, one day, I will be in perfect harmony with Him. I want to change and grow, I want to leave behind my faults and become more like my Savior. Chastening gives us understanding of how we need to apply the atonement in our lives. It gives us opportunity to become more worthy of His love. I yearn for that, I yearn to be worthy of my Saviors love.
Of course I know that God and Jesus Christ love me no matter what, as they do everyone. But as I served my mission I came to a deeper understanding of being worthy of His love. He suffered for you, for me. He was mocked, beaten, and killed...for us. Why? So that we might live. So that we might returm to live wih Him and our families again.
I feel, personally, that when I don't care about my sins or faults- if I do not seek forgiveness with sincerity then I am telling my best friend, my Savior, my Redeemer that I don't care about all that He went through for me.
I can't do that to Him.
Now, I'm not perfect. But I am trying to overcome the imperfections this world has given me. And I know that can be done only through the man who Himself overcame this world, Jesus Christ.
This has been a crazy year, but I would not ask for anything to have happened differently.
The best gift I was given this year was to be a missionary. I can't wait to go back but there is reason for everything. I love you all and wish you a Merry Christmas.
A verse to leave you with, I would love to hear your personal thoughts.
And thou didst hear me because of mine afflictions and my sincerity; and it is because of thy Son that thou hast been thus merciful unto me, therefore I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions, for in thee is my joy; for thou hast turned thy judgments away from me, because of thy Son.