Wednesday, March 5, 2014

see the beauty of life unfold for you

"Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."- Jeffrey R. Holland

There are many things I'm trying to figure out in my life right now. Some of them scare me, some cause joy, some anxiety, confusion, exhaustion, etc.... I think you get the point. 

You probably feel the same way. 

So how do I face my doubts- I think first I need to figure out what they are.

  • I think the biggest one is I doubt a lot that I am ever good enough or helpful enough for those around me. My life goal, next to swimming with whales, is to simply be a good person. 
  • Many of my other doubts fall into the first category, they involve family, church, mission, future, etc. 
  • Sometimes I doubt that I can 'hear' God. I feel I've knelt down and prayed and sobbed so many times for answers or if not answers then help and I still feel confused and weak. It's hard not to think it's something I'm doing or I'm not sensitive enough to the spirit.
  • I'm sure I'll remember more later.
And on to the fears.
  • I fear the length of time it will take to move towards the future, what's next. 
  • I fear what others think, it's dumb but a human emotion. 
  • I fear my health, in different ways. 
  • I fear I'm not doing a good job at this Disciple of Christ thing.  
Facing my doubts and mastering my fears will not be super duper fun, however If you look the answer to everything is the Gospel. I may not receive answers or help in the way i want it but I'm sure it's not easy for Heavenly Father to see us struggle. I'm sure he would quickly help me and let me know all the whys to what's going on, but I know he doesn't because he loves me. I can't grow closer to him if I don't choose to do so. We have to put in our own effort and then maybe just wait...for a really long time...and it might stink at times but it'll be okay. I believe it. :)

Confidence?! what. I, despite what others may think, am not confident at all. I think it centers on my lack of trust in myself. I'm working on it. 

But that's more so the worlds way of thinking about confidence. 
I remember studying faith on my mission and reading in the Bible DIctionary- it talks about how faith is to have confidence in something. So my confidence in myself is a work in progress, but my confidence in Christ is grounded. It's like a really big ice berg- just destroys all the battle ships that come on by. :) 

I've been lucky, I know one of my gifts of the Spirit is, as stated in Doctrine and Covenants 46:

" 13 To some it is given by the aHoly Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world."

I know my testimony is a gift, a silent one sometimes,  it's never failed me at any moment. Even when the darkest thing happened, the next day I knew what I needed to do, I knew the Gospel was true, and I knew prayer was key to my endurance. 

I guess in saying not to cast away my confidence, it could be to not neglect or deny my testimony. 

Next, this is my favorite part of the quote:

"Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

I've never heard/read a definition of 'endure' that was so calming. 

Not just get through your trials, or stay on path, keep living the principles of the Gospel, partake the sacrament- all good things....but added is see the beauty of life unfold for you. 

That is a beautiful promise.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on that quote, this is just my perspective- coming from my experience. We're all different so if you feel so inclined I'd love to hear. 


BTW. Today would've been my 9th month birthday in the mission, 1/2 way. Not an easy emotion to feel, I think it needs it's own name like mishow- mission sorrow. Oh, but if anything I know that right now I have some time set aside to be my own missionary. Something I never really thought about before. 

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