Why are there such things as tears?
I keep my thoughts and emotions silent often, which is a good and bad thing. Good because I don't bother or weigh down others, bad because well, it's important to address how you feel.
So how do I feel?
That's a question I honestly don't think I know. On the day of a beautiful baptism here in AZ, one of a family I had taught and loved dearly- being surround by missionaries and people I loved this question came to mind.
How do you feel, Hunter?
Are you 'over' your mission ending far too early?
Are you angry that you can't be a missionary?
Are you happy that you get to witness this event?
Do you feel joy that you're reunited with some your greatest friends?
Do you feel whole?
Do you feel healthy?
Do you know where you're going?
and so on...
Since then I have humbly accepted that at this moment I have no idea what my heart feels anymore, but I do know that Christ understands and in time He'll help me to see and make sense of all things.
It's been a beautiful year, I've seen miracles a plenty. (slight Christmas reference, 17 more Fridays ;)
The blessings of this year will forever outweigh the pain and sorrow.
But it's also been a very confusing year. This isn't who I necessarily wanted to be.
In the past few weeks there have been moments where my heart just felt completely broken. Luckily, I have this beautiful person in my life, Jesus Christ, who somehow seems to always find each piece and put them back together in their own due time. And I don't doubt once I allow Him to put it all back together my heart will be stronger than ever before.
But as I've sat and listened to the words of others, read emails, texts, received calls, etc... I found myself with a long list of problems, mainly reminders of hopes and dreams I once had now brought down.
I've said it before but, all I want is to bring my family with me to the Celestial Kingdom, to live with our Father forever.
But instead I'm ending this summer with a little less hope in that coming to pass in this life.
Count your blessings Hunter!
One wonderful thing that throughout this is that I can now take my grandfather and 3 generations back from him to the temple. This will be the very first work done in my family. That in itself is enough to endure. I may not know how to help my 'earthly' family see and feel what I do but I can provide that experience for my ancestors. And if they so choose then boy! I am taking my family with me to the Celestial Kingdom, or they'll be there when I get there :)
A beautiful quote I read today from Steven R Covey is:
"One of the most important things we can do as parents, teachers, and leaders is to affirm people- to believe in them, see their innate potential and treat them accordingly, to elevate them in their own eyes. Not only should we testify of their true identity, but in many cases we should ignore their inappropriate behavior and simply reassure them of their infinite capacity and potential."