My body was hurting and some weird health things were happening. For example- I don't remember more than a few days of November. I don't know where it went. A friend even showed me a picture of something we did in November and I had no recollection of it at all. weird. Anywho, I was also struggling in school with my physical pains and mental lack of focus. I had some amazing teachers that cared for me far beyond a grade. I did pretty good surprisingly by the end of the semester.
The days were hard, sad, and long. One day I had driven somewhere to pay a bill and when I got back in my car my phone rang. I sat there and had a long conversation with a sibling that brought on tears for hours and hours. I just stared at the field in front of me and no longer knew what to do.
In my little life, I've learned that you don't give up on relationships and people. You fight, even if it exhausts you, you love until you're so tired only His love can propel you forward. Each individual has their own story and heart only He knows, that reality hit me recently.
I lost sight of the beauty and light of my spirit when I looked too deeply into my life at the moment and forgot how far I've come. How far He's brought me.
My heart hurts- a lot. There are things I want so badly to be as they were, but I can see and feel that they won't get to be. That is okay. It stinks, but it's okay.
I got to the point where I thought I allowed giving up many of my hopes and dreams for my family and self and I didn't know how to endure giving up any more. I didn't know how to have faith through seeing or feeling anymore sorrow.
One day, a while ago, I was reading in Doctrine and Covenants 127 and verse 2 really touched me:
"And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it."
I'm so grateful for the scriptures and for the examples of many who do endure and who truly and beautifully glory in their tribulations, I hope to be like them. I know sorrow is meant to be felt, without it we wouldn't know how perfect God's plan is.
Christ really does know me, and He knows every person I love too. He knows their hearts and He doesn't want them to be consumed in sorrow or anger. His heart must hurt so much for them, for you and for me. I know that our Heavenly Father and Savior feel our pain and joy and they don't enjoy watching us suffer. But they love us more than we love ourselves or each other. We are so quickly to want to impose on another's agency because it hurts us to watch them make mistakes, suffer, and live in loneliness- but they love us, they trust us, they know that through a tiny little belief we can make it back. I have no doubt that they'll work their hardest to welcome us all home and that the embrace we receive when we return will be instantaneously comforting to our souls.
Our growing little plant of a testimony may die a little from time to time, but that seed is still there- wrapped in His love.
Doctrine and Covenants 31:2- A promise for all:
"Behold, you have had many afflictions because of your family; nevertheless, I will bless you and your family, yea (...) and the day cometh that they will believe (...)."